The Story of the Suicidal Squid: a children's book
by mrs.shigwa.cobain
Summary: strange, funny...just read it. pg 13 now cuz descriptions are a bit...descriptive
1. Diagnosis Depression

The Story of the Suicidal Squid: a children's book Alright, this story started as a stupid conversation in my biology class, nothing to do with Spongebob, but to post it on here I had to pick a category and this is the closest I could get to the real thing. I don't own anything Spongebob but everything else is the work of me and my stupid friends. And remember, this is purely stupid humor, not meant to be mean, just funny. Enjoy.  
  
Chapter I: Diagnosis Depression  
Sylvester Squid left the psychiatrist's office with a prescription in tentacle with no intention of using it. 


	2. Love and Loss

Chapter II: Love and Loss  
Sylvester took out his old photo album and looked at the hundred of photos he had of his angelfish ex-girlfriend Alleya. Aaah, she had the prettiest gills he ever saw. The world around him went fuzzy into a flashback.  
"Alleya! Get out of school, come play!"  
"Oh, hi, Sylvester. Listen, my dad says stop calling us."  
"But I've been wanting to ask you something."  
"Ok, look, weirdo, I needed some money, so I modeled in some pictures for you. Please leave me alone now!"  
"But I want you to marry me, baby!"  
"Yuck, go away!"  
Sylvester was again aware of his surroundings. Now that he thought about it, he hated her, yet he loved her! Damn this contradiction! 


	3. Finding a Friend

Chapter III: Finding a Friend  
He can't. He has none. That's it. 


	4. Making Money

Chapter IV: Making Money  
He can't. He has none. That's it. 


	5. Sad and Suffering

Chapter V: Sad and Suffering  
Sylvester remembered hearing about things that could make his pain go away, but he felt contented to stew in his own suffering. But then, out of thin water, popped a fairy in the form of a clam. Yes, a clam. The clam fairy floated about ten cm (metric system!! Bwahahahaha!) away from Sylvester's face. A voice came from all around him.  
"Sylvie! Sylvie, I am your fairy god-clam, you need suffer no longer. Sylvie, I will grant your every wish until you are satisfied with."  
"Yeah, uh, could you not call me Sylvie, it sounds kinda feminine."  
"Huh? Oh, sorry, wrong squid. Whoa, awkward moment, huh? Ha, ha. So, um, good luck with your- wait, you know what? I don't care. This is the fifth time this has happened, and it's starting to piss me off."  
The clam disappeared. Sylvester felt that his last hope had just been dangled in front of his face and jerked away. He was now left alone to be sad and.uh, alone. 


	6. Recovery, Recuperation, and Rebound

Chapter VI: Recovery, Recuperation, and Rebound  
This chapter is not applicable to this story. Have you not been reading?!?! He has no chance for recovery, he's a psycho! And rebounding? No one wants him! There's no one to rebound to! For craps sake, you gotta read more carefully. 


	7. Rest and Relaxation

Chapter VII: Rest and Relaxation  
This is also not truly needed in this story, for there was no rest. Sylvester hasn't been able to sleep in.oh, I'm not doing the math, but it's been a while. He doesn't relax either. He plots, angrily he plots. 


	8. Vengeance and Victory

Thanks for putting up with me, you're almost done now. (And the SpongeBob relevance I added at the last minute, I don't own that stuff, you knew that though, didn't you. Too bad that I didn't make it up, that guy must have a lot of money.)  
  
Chapter VIII: Vengeance and Victory  
Sylvester spent the better part of a year plotting how to best execute his plan- of world domination! But I'm getting ahead of myself. He had a more short-term plan to "unleash his wrath" as he called it. Bwahahahahahaha  
He came to the Neptune Day Parade with his weapon of mass destruction concealed in is holiday costume.  
Everyone was there: fish, turtles, whales, even the reef had gotten itself moved to be present at the festivities. Perfect- Sylvester could go through with his plan on a massive scale.  
[Insert SpongeBob relevance] And then, a bright yellow sponge boy came walking past Sylvester dragging a poor squid by the tentacle.  
"Excuse me, coming through, best friends coming through!"  
Sylvester was detained only a moment by pure empathy for the squid, but he didn't let that stop him from continuing with his plan. He jumped onto a float platform and took a microphone.  
"Citizens and visitors of Bikini Bottom, today is my day of retaliation. Behold, your fear, the...BUBBLEWAND!!!"  
There was a large gasp from expectation, then a giggle. Soon the whole crowd was laughing uncontrollably.  
"No, NO!" He screamed trying to regain the crowd. He blew a large bubble which formed around a fish in the front row. The fish panicked, for inside the bubble was air and no true fish can breathe air. Everyone watched as the fish slowly suffocated to death.  
Sylvester went around for hours blowing bubbles on the frantic ocean creatures. But then, in a storm of genius, the whales and other mammals realized that if they were trapped in an air bubble, they could still breathe! The mammals turned on Sylvester and charged. Sylvester attempted one last time to catch these animals in a bubble, but their sheer size popped the bubbles. Knowing he was beat, Sylvester got into his super fast racing submarine and soon was miles ahead of the crowd. In his rearview mirror he could see a squid being dragged away from the action. The squid was struggling and yelling toward Sylvester something along the lines of "Take me with you! Please!" Sylvester had no time to stop and left the poor squid behind with the angry sea mammals. He parked the sub close to the shore in somewhat shallow water. He crept tentacle by tentacle up into the open air. The sun beat down to dry up his nonliving flesh.  
  
(You're almost done, please continue.) 


	9. Epilogue: The After Story

Epilogue: The After Story  
Little Janey followed her mom down the aisle of the local grocery store. Her mom was stocking up on food for a fancy party so the cart was full of caviar, pâté, and little cheeses and crackers. Janey stared at the new stack of jars that her mom just added to the cart.  
"Mommy, what's calamari?"  
  
The End (And if you didn't know, calamari is squid made into food.heh heh)  
  
Maybe I should describe how this story got started, just so you don't think I'm a psycho. My science class was talking about smart animals and the teacher said that squids are very smart. One of my classmates asked why there are no squids in Sea World. Our teacher then described that squids always try to climb out of their tanks and the idea was born of suicidal squid. Now, there is no truth to this because my teacher says they don't know that they can't live out of water. Next up is my story about the army of caterpillars, also from science class. What category could I put that in? lol. 


End file.
